Head banging is gone... I was made to love you

It occurred to me recently that as we are working through our night time routine with Lauren - as she cuddles on my lap for a bit before going to her big girl bed --- that the head banging is basically GONE!  My heart just sat with this concept for a bit ..... praising God that she is bonding, attaching... and her stress in the transition is easing.... and her little heart is healing..... she's at home with her forever family. 

I can't help but think about the trauma we experience in life..... neglect, abuse, a loss, a tragic event (like these tornados and storms), car accidents, illness..... our losses go on and on.  But God created an amazing human spirit...... if you ever doubt that, look into the innocent eyes of a child, watch them cope with life's challenges with a smile and determination, watch how funny they can be....and how they laugh at the smallest things....watch how they love others unconditionally. My heart is full of joy at the person that Lauren is -- and another idea came to my mind.... I was made to love her!    

In the world of adoption, there are many times when things are challenging and even we as parents may want to head bang :) -- just to find some relief.  But I'm often reminded that this challenge will pass - and our Lord is the great comforter.....beyond all earthly things....and just what if all this was actually planned by the great designer of all??? 

We have a new favorite song - it's Toby Mack's - Made to Love You.  We love this song and she is so great... she loves the "la-la-la,la,la" chorus...and tries to sing the verses.... I know the song is about being made to love the Lord... I totally get that.  But don't you also think we can apply these types of song as parents to our children -- I mean, after all....we are children of the wonderful, amazing living God -- and so many analogies in the Bible refer to parent / child relationships.... shepherds and sheep.... etc.  So I'm taking the liberty of really settling in on the idea that I was made to love Lauren..... now I mean more than just a parent with the ability to love.... what I mean is much deeper than that.  My life experiences ....however dark, and broken, and painful....my losses and my hurts are JUST what I will use one day to explain God's great plan for her.... and how I will minister to her own broken heart.  Not to get too personal here -- but let's just say we all have brokenness beyond all human repair -- the kind of hurts and sadness in our life that ONLY the Lord and His amazing grace can heal. I'm learning each day through a variety of avenues that God LOVES ME! ..... as I am, yet wants me to be different than I am... because He loves me that much....and He wants me to experience a new kind of joy - and a new kind of relationship with him..... so as I embrace this very fact....and as I love myself more and more -- I will be fully equipped through the grace of God to better parent Lauren. My life.... was made to love my little miss.... all before we were ever born??  When I rest in this truth -- and I think also about Brad and how he is with Lauren and the relationship they have .... he too adds unique and very special life experiences to be able to parent Lauren in different ways (like his LOVE for the outdoors, hiking, etc.... Lauren LOVES being outside)... and we both also have things about us that specially gift us to parent Joshua. 

So I leave all you adoption families (some home....others still in the waiting).... with the idea that God LOVES YOU TOO! And..... he just very well may have made YOU to love that special someone you are waiting for (or that special child already home in your arms).  I encourage you to look at your own life experiences and sit in the joy that those life experiences may be the greatest thing to connect you to your child.  Isn't our Lord amazing??



Toby Mack's - Made to Love You   (just imagine Lauren singing..... the nah, nah, nah parts :) ...video to come in the future :)

The dream is fading, now I'm staring at the door
I know its over cause my feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I ain't feelin what I see
It's no mystery
Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did I forget that...

I was made to love you

I was made to find you

I was made just for you

Made to adore you

I was made to love

And be loved by you

You were here before me

You were waiting on me

And you said you'd keep me

Never would you leave me I was made to love

and be loved by you


The dream's alive with my eyes opened wide
Back in the ring you've got me swinging for the grand prize
I feel the haters spittin vapors on my dreams
But I still believe
I'm reachin out, reachin up, reachin over
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah
And daddy I'm on my way

Cause I was made to love...

I was made to love you

I was made to find you

I was made just for you

Made to adore you

I was made to love

And be loved by you

You were here before me

You were waiting on me

And you said you'd keep me



Never would you leave me I was made to love

and be loved by you


I was made to love you

I was made just for you

Made to adore you

I was made to love

And be loved by you

You were here before me

You were waiting on me

And you said you'd keep me

Never would you leave me I was made to love

and be loved by you



(nah, nah, nah, nah - nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

(nah, nah, nah, nah - nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)



Anything I would give up for you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Everything, I'd give it all away (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)



Anything I would give up for you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Everything, I'd give it all away (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)



Anything I would give up for you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Everything, I'd give it, I'd give it all away, Oh yeah



Cause I was made to love you (I was made to love you)

Yeah I was made to love you (I was made to find you)

Cause I was made to love you (I was made to adore you, made just for you) (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

I was made to love you (I was made to adore you, made just for you)

Cause I was made to love you (I was made to adore you, made just for you) (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

I was made to love you (I was made to adore you)



Yeah I'm loved by you

Yeah I'm loved by you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Yeah I' m loved by you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

(nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

(nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

First leaving Lauren overnight

The trip was booked for a few weeks, the anxiety was growing... I had to leave to go across the country to San Juan Island, Washington for work.... and my family was staying home (my mom, Brad, Joshua AND Lauren)... all stayed at our house while I was gone.  The preparations were many.... I made lunches for Lauren and put them in her locker at school --- for all four days I planned to be gone.... I put 14 pair of new underwear in a baggie at school in her locker - because potty training just takes that many some weeks... along with a baggie of pants, socks, and shirts.... all set for the school accidents to come.  I washed Joshua's school uniform ready for the full week.... and I stocked up on groceries... I purchased small gifts for Joshua and Lauren -- labeled them for each day... and left them in the secret hiding place.  I talked to Lauren several nights in a row...."you know you are my forever daughter"...."u-huh"... "and I will come back for you after my work trip".... "I will be gone 4 days, ok"..... over and over again each night we went through this routine and she continued to say, "no" after each time I told her I'd be gone.... this wasn't going so well.  Until finally the night before I left we went through our routine and I said, "you know mommy's going away for four days.... let's count those on our fingers"...."and I will come back to you, right?".....and she finally said, "nefs"... which is her "yes"..... ahhhhh.... I think she really understands not to fear about mommy leaving.

While I was gone -- I talked on the phone when I could - but I got a whole new appreciation for the challenges of working with such a different time zone - and trying to call the eastern time zone area..... had a whole new appreciation for what our adoption agency rep goes through when calling families (since she's on the west coast)...... anyway... we talked maybe twice.... and I was amazed at how well she was doing.  My mom and Lauren bonded even deeper - and of course she and Joshua slept in our king bed each night.... what a great excuse to sleep in mommy's room.  I was so proud of how both kids handled my being gone.  (Joshua does have shorts on for bedtime below :))  daddy's wrapped like a burrito, Lauren is hot... Joshua snuggled in the middle of the king bed....ugh!

With each milestone... I feel Lauren is proclaiming this as her forever family -- with grace and confidence...and self-assured-ness :)  -- all by her actions.  She was great at school all week - didn't act out and continued to work on potty training.... Brad said she was also well-behaved at home.  That has continued since I got home last night.  She has a bit of a matured demeanor - if that makes any sense.  Who knows - maybe I'm imagining it -- but I do know that often the adoptions books (the ones that tell you don't leave your adopted child for at least a year after they are home).... don't get it right for all circumstances and families. 

I'm also reminded once again at how lucky I am to have Brad -- and my mom nearby.  Brad was great with the kids, playing, helping to fix lunches for Joshua, and even trimmed Lauren's bangs! My mom took the kids to school each day and picked them up --- and by Wednesday night (day 3)... when I called her she said, "Brad and I are exhausted"....LOL - that cracked me up - after three days of the kid routine I do each and every day ...day after day..... they both were "exhausted" -- such a labor of love - God provides all the strength we need right?  Has to be something divine going on for those hard working mommas.

Anyway... we survived.... all of us.... and my little girl seemed to change overnight with confidence and greater assurance.  God is so very good.

p.s. - Trip was great other than some flight delays and challenges. 
Baby plane I had to take from Seattle to San Juan Island - talk about scary - but so thankful my flight was delayed and I took the early Tuesday am flight -- colleagues on flight the day before got sick on the plane it was soooo bumpy, gusty, and stormy.... I would have freaked out.... thankful I was spared that challenge.

Weather was great, shopping amazing (went shopping with a friend while other colleagues went on a whale watching boat ride), and work time very productive with exciting assignments and neat strategic plans for the future.  I'm excited about our company's year ahead --- and I'm blessed to have such a great place to work....and a husband that supports my career while also appreciates my desire to be mommy too.   

Whale watchers coming back from their adventure....

View out our hotel.....



So now having done it ..... I know I can do it again when the duty calls :) 

My heart longing to be Indian

So last night we had a great time with our neighbors taking all the kids to the park for a picnic. And while there - an Indian family came to swing, play, etc. It is the first time I've seen an ENTIRE Indian family at our nearby park.... many times there are children and a mom -- but not the ENTIRE family unit. First dad was there and playing with the two children -- probably about ages 5 (a little girl) and 7 (a young boy) -- they played on the climbing structure -- and on the teeter totter -- they were swinging in swings. Then while they were playing....as Lauren continued to keep her eye right on them.... while I was pushing her in a swing... the mommy walked right in front of us.... in her beautiful Indian dress.... and Lauren watched her from left to right as the momma greeted her family.... they laughed and ran around...all 4 of them enjoying each other.... while Lauren watched and watched, not taking her eyes off of them.... while I continued to push her in the toddler swing.....and my heart broke.


Lauren was quiet and kept her head fixed on this family --- and my heart began to ache like nothing before. I can't be Indian for her. I don't think I have ever wanted so badly to just be Indian. I am not so naive to think that all the love and happiness we pour into her is enough ... she's Indian and I know will have a longing for what her family "should" have been in India. Brad joined me at the swing and I shared my observation. Of course he poured all his love into her -- doing all the things they normally do at the park together....and I joined in too - chasing her, etc. Trying desperately to make up for the fact that her mom ...... a.b.a.n.d.o.n.e.d...her...... how that fact pains my heart so deeply for her.

Then today, while going through her room - getting ready for Nanna's rummage sale next weekend, we cleared her armoire and I ran across her bangles that sweet Nickie (and Charu and family) mailed to us... we opened the package and much to my surprise it wasn't a solid bracelet as the package would lead you to believe --- it was TONs of thin bangles all lined up. So we began to put them on Lauren... she LOVED it. I also put on her Indian party dress and asked her if she wanted to wear it to church tomorrow.... and I asked her, "do you want mommy to wear her Indian dress to church too?".....she replied yes. ..... so we wrapped up our project and I confirmed one more time, "do you want to wear this sparkly dress tomorrow??"....and she pointed to her soft cotton American ruffle dress..... so she goes for comfort after all.... although the Indian dress is beautiful and embellished with all kinds of sequins etc.... we'll see how she feels in the morning. I'm processing this pain --- and the pain I'm sure she will one day face when she's older -- and I'm realizing, I will give her all I've got as a mom, leader, guide, friend, and parent..... I will empty myself for this child .... but the one thing that she may always long for I can't give to her .... an Indian momma.... so I'm absolutely sold out on the idea that the loss she experienced along with any other loss she will have in her life can ONLY be filled by Jesus..... can only be HEALED by Jesus..... and HE is sufficient!


"Ease is for heaven, not earth.  Life on earth is fundamentally out of shape and out of order by reason of sin.... so pains, disappointments, trauma..... etc. etc. await us in the future, just as they have overtaken us already in the past".... from a book I'm currently reading called... "God's Healing for Life's Losses" by Robert W. Kellemen..... it is amazing.