Book reviews for a beloved PAP

I don't know what is wrong with our blog - I can't seem to format anyting - so this all runs together (sorry). I really want to blog on events, update pictures ... tell about Lauren's birthday, gotcha day, our fall break.... all the things of family -- but I have no time!! I do however, love helping other PAPs... so per request from a beloved PAP - I'm posting about adoption books we've read. It was actually easier for me to pull some of this info. from our service plan document - so here is goes.... We loved reading all these books in preparation for Lauren - and let me tell you -- each one just increased our knowledge and anticipation for our little girl's arrival. Family of Adoption by Joyce Maguire Pavao This book was very helpful in it describes various issues and challenges based on the age of the adopted child. We particularly liked the discussions on the birth mother, the need to know they were born a normal birth like every other human. The family tree discussion will certainly be helpful when that issue comes up in school. Similarly the discussion on daydreaming was particularly interesting and helpful. The urge to search discussion and ideas for how to describe the birth mother (by not using the typical explanation, “you birth mother was very young and very poor”), seemed to be quite helpful and logical – although was not obvious to us before our reading on this topic. The characteristics of an adopted child were quite helpful as well…to allow us to understand when issues of anger or intimacy, or fantasy may come up as she grows and matures. It seems as the truth is the key concept of the book throughout the various stages of their development – truth, respect, and understanding. 20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge All of the 20 things are profound; here are the items that spoke to us: Grief and loss may surface into anger towards the adoptive parent. This helps us to understand when behavior issues arise; we likely are dealing with grief. Yet Eldridge also says firm and loving discipline is needed to reassure Lauren that we can handle her. This appears like a very delicate balance between being able to recognize grief and loss…and also the idea of control and challenge of boundaries. This will be something we will need to work together on to determine what we are dealing with. Also the fear of abandonment is one that we will have to be mindful of – we anticipate either a pleaser or someone trying to push us away to test our love and see if we will reject her. While clearly we’d rather have a pleaser, but we know that even that has its challenges, we just want to build self-esteem and validate all that Lauren is so that she feels safe and secure in who she is and can be free to make mistakes and be herself. Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall Inside Transracial Adoption is like an encyclopedia for adoptive families. It comes with so many issues it’s difficult to summarize here. The primary themes are the normal stages that children of color go through when adopted into a white family and also the importance of providing your child of color with real, meaningful relationships with people that are like them. This involves the family understanding to live multi-culturally, being deliberate in bringing multiple races into the family circle of friends, and also looking at the world through your child’s eyes and equipping them for their future in this society. There were so many helpful tips, examples, ideas, thoughts… one of particular is to “not worry about being perfect and doing everything right …our own security about being good enough will provide security to our child”. This resonated with us, because we do want to do things right by Lauren, and want to give her all the nurture and self-worth possible – so we have to be careful about over doing it, or worrying about whether we are doing all the right things. At some point we have to pray for discernment, seek advice from others, and trust our instincts. This is really a fabulous book that we are sure will serve as a reference tool through the years as challenges come up. Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray The personal vignettes included on various family situations encountered by adoptive families proved particularly insightful, as you want to know how the theories and concepts are integrated within the family. The therapist peering down the throat of a young girl and stating “I see a good heart down there” moved me. The author appears to have a solid grounding on practical techniques and good insight on adopted children’s issues…and how best to approach them. The developmental stages will be very helpful to us as we proceed with evaluating Lauren’s child development stage, and where we need to begin our parenting to help her complete that stage so she can progress to the next one. This book shall be a good reference for many years as we look for advice and approaches to best parent our adopted daughter. Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best We learned several helpful insights from The Weaver’s Craft. In summary, here are key points we gathered from the book: For discipline: use physical redirects by leading a child away from undesirable behavior; utilize referential speaking, speaking about the child within earshot to others praising the child; state positively and concisely what you want from the child – such as sit quietly in your seat versus don’t be doing something On transition: work on transition objects, including toys, sheets, blankets and even toothbrushes; smell may be important so don’t wash prior to them being taken; offer to replace the items with new ones. Could be a significant part of the transition process. We are planning a few things of transition – we plan on sending the orphanage a photo album of our family, Lauren’s room, our van – and her car seat, etc… Then we also plan on bring toys when we arrive at the orphanage… one set to play with her during short visits two days before we take her with us. We plan to leave the toys at Bal Asha – but also have an identical set in our hotel, so when we do take her with us, they same toys will be at our hotel, and we won’t be faced with bringing her a few toys and then taking them away… plus it is a way for us to donate to the orphanage. We are not planning many, many toys…just a few interesting learning toys, blocks, stacking cups…typical things that 2-3 year old children enjoy. Hopkins also suggests taking pictures of her care givers, honoring them, etc… of course this will also be a key item for her Life Book when we return home. On language: Lauren will likely stop speaking for awhile while she “regroups” and begins acquiring English; it may be several weeks or months before she begins speaking to us, depending on where she is developmentally. Hopkins suggests testing for developmental delays may be best later, after she has time to adjust; she may be affected by environmental conditioning, including institutional conditioning On Developmental stage: Hopkins suggests knowing the child’s developmental stage is important; child may exhibit self-comforting behaviors (self-rocking, sucking on her own body parts) to soothe herself; may have given up on adults soothing her so she attempts self-care; may resist being fed; may need to regress toward infant dependency to transfer dependency on newly adoptive parents; very important to have caregiver give permission to Lauren for transition to adoptive parents On Play: Hopkins suggest play is an important developmental method for toddlers; activities such as mud, sand and finger painting all encourage creative play; use the “stop/start” game to allow toddler sense of mastery of when to begin/end involved play; page 158 provides ideas on toys to encourage development at age-appropriate levels; work toward child directed play in which the toddler uses their imagination, such as playing with dolls and dress up; stimulation can be done through a baby swing if the child is an infant or small enough; very good to have that rocking motion while standing in front of the swing so they can smile and demonstrate involvement On Structure, Rituals, Family: Hopkins suggests structure and consistency are essential to the adoptive toddler; important to shown consistency as toddler may have come from chaos before; discuss upcoming events ahead of time; don’t led toddler wake up to unfamiliar/strange people: work to tell them if this will occur ahead of time; work toward consistency and constancy by “a place for everything and everything in its place” for toys, shoes and other important artifacts; incorporate rituals and traditions into the family, such as special foods, celebrations of culture, “brother-sister” day celebrating the adoption into the family, and other events; limit interaction with others the first few weeks; family should bond with adopted child; Our Own: Adopting the Older Child by Trish Maskew Many insightful things were gathered from this book, in summary the following were new take aways: Maskew suggests that independence and dependence might be in conflict with each other; child may demonstrate very good behavior the first few weeks and then regress; may also regress in language as she begins to learn English—may enter a quiet phase until she speaks more English Some tips on bonding: Tips – Building Attachment  Read a bedtime story every night  Have family meetings  Put on kids’ music and clap to it  Have a new family portrait made early on  Have fun together  Rock the child to sleep  Put up any valuables so as not get broken  Establish set routines  Change bad behaviors over time and not all at once  Let housekeeping go and focus on child  Find opportunities to touch  Exercise together Parenting Your Adopted Older Child by Brenda McCreight This book was very well laid out with practical tips on dealing with a wide variety of issues. It seems to cover a wide array of topics in a succinct manner. We really liked the family identity chapter and ideas for creating a strong sense of family. The chapter on play was interesting, because it never occurred to us that our daughter may not know “how” to play given limited resources in an orphanage (this was certainly the case with Lauren – no knowing how to play). I guess we assumed that in that setting, there would still be toys and interaction among children, that the children would learn the concept of play. We recognize this may or may not be the case with Lauren, but it’s nice to know in advance this may be the case – so we know the importance of possibly needing to slowly teach her to play. It seemed the book wrapped up with a concept we believe is crucial to a successful transition with Lauren, and that is the concept of creating a sense of belonging. Actually, the book put it as moving the child from a sense of aloneness to a sense of belonging. It seems that many of the disorders described in the book (ADHD, etc) are generally found in all children, not necessarily only in adopted children….and the concept of attachment, bonding, etc… we fully understand how this occurs as an infant, but we question if this is a life-long issue, as families allow children to retreat to a bedroom only to play video games or watch TV, while parents work overtime or focus on their own desires. For us, we pray that our family values and traditions set us apart from some of the things of the world that seem to pull families apart. Raising children well must be a high family priority and deliberate in many actions. So the creation of a sense of belonging can only be accomplished by a structured environment that is loving, open, consistent, and a high priority to the family as a unit. Letters from Motherless Daughters (although a heart-breaker - really good for understanding loss and trauma) Although many letters are from daughters that have no mother as a result of their death, there are also several stories of abandoned daughters. These are particularly pointed and as one daughter wrote, “I think that it’s harder to be abandoned by your mother than to have her die. Death is final, and you know in your heart and soul that your mother is never coming back. When she just leaves, you always have hope that one day you will be reunited.” Although this is really hard to accept, Lauren will always wonder about her mother, as this book describes, many times in her life she will long for her mother, such as her wedding or birth of her own child. There are times and events throughout her life in which she will be particularly sad that she is unable to share them with her birthmother. We must acknowledge and validate that sadness, knowing there is nothing we can do to make this hurt go away. www.indiamirror.com – a great website for all things Indian

Happy Gotcha Day!!

Well... I can't believe it's been this long since I've posted on our blog.... life is busy! Some of our latest news is.... Lauren is playing on a soccer team, yep... she's going to be 4 in ten short days and she barely made the age cut-off ... and she was really wanting to play, so we signed her up. I was traveling for work, so I missed the first practice..but from the reviews I got from Brad, Joshua, and my mom... she was a hit! The smallest one on the field, but mighty! There is another adoptee - from Ethiopia on her team, so she took to her right away... and I hear by the end of the practice they were hugging each other. I cannot believe it's a been a year since we met Lauren for the first time! Happy Gotcha Day, little miss. I remember that day oh so well.... your sweet scared little heart... and how daddy held you and walked you around BAT until you fell asleep. That is when you napped on the clock! Now of course, life is too much fun to nap at a consistent time when you are home with family, right?? We are so very proud of how far you've come this year... but also where you've taken us as your family. We are forever changed by you being in our lives and we are so thankful that God gave us you! For tonight's celebration, we will be going to a local Indian restaurant... that's of course after we put on your doggy and kitty-cat tatoos! Pictures to follow.....yall.

Lauren grows up, just a bit

Have you ever had one of those experiences with your children when you look at them one day and say to yourself, "something is certainly different".  Well, we had such an experience with Lauren recently.  Joshua spent from July 6th to July 18th with Brad's parents... and somewhere around July 13th, I recall... Brad had to leave for a week long business trip to Kansas City.  So.... I had Lauren all to myself from the time Brad left for his trip until we picked up Joshua in Indy on the 18th.  Lauren missed her brother, badly... but did get used to it, especially since she did get to talk to him on the phone periodically...and she knew he was at "Papa's".  Lauren missed daddy, but an interesting thing happened..... she didn't really show it until July 17! The night before we were heading to pick up Joshua .... she sat up in bed and said with this intense cry.... "want Bye-ah".... and just sobbed.... then she went on to cry, "Daddy, daddy, daddy".... I could not comfort her.  So we called Brad and he talked to her a bit on the phone to calm her.  Before he left for weeks (maybe months).... they had become best of friends... Brad would take her to the park, take her with him on his evening walk around the neighborhood, play with her in the back yard, take her swimming.... she just couldn't wait for daddy to get home from work each night. 

Now I'm the caretaker - but not as good at the playing and having fun stuff.  Each parent takes on a role - and I'm the one dealing with the house, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, school activities, etc.  So when I realized that she would be totally bored with me all week without Joshua OR Brad.... my girls in my small group insisted that I send her to VBS at church each evening.  So I did. 

She came home the first night showing me how to do jumping jacks! She was so proud of herself and just smiled and smiled.  Night two.... she came home showing how to "touch your toes".... one of my friends husband had the toddlers during part of VBS to do toddler sports....well this was just up her alley.  They played basketball and soccer.... of course after "warming up".  More than one of the guys from our church told me what a great dribbler Lauren is.... and how she has basketball scholarship written all over her... being in the BBN (Big Blue Nation).... basketball is HUGE -- so of course that's a great compliment... but I also informed these guys... she's predicted to be around 4 foot 8 or MAYBE 4 foot 10, unless she really takes off the normal growth pattern.... so not so sure about the basketball scholarship :) 

Each night I asked her if she wanted to go to church and do jumping jacks and she eagerly shook her head yes... so night after night -- she learned more about Jesus, learned songs and even did the motions, and  of course got to participate in toddler sports.  She loved every minute of it....and here is what I learned about Lauren:

1.) She loves organized activities or organized sports
2.) She is VERY adaptable
3.) She totally understands what others tell her - even if she doesn't know them
4.) She is tolerant
5.) She is strong
6.) She is brave

Closing ceremony was amazing.  Here is a picture of their worship time -- and I will post a link that hopefully you can connect to in order to see one of their closing ceremony songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BS1DcGTCAc  (of course she's the little one in the front row in yellow t-shirt in this video - and yes, that quick wave was a "shout out" to momma in the audience - I waved to her first and she noticed, so she waved back, but then got right back into her song :))

So when Brad returned, we picked him up at the airport of Friday night right after the VBS closing ... Joshua of course ran to him and hugged him ....and was very excited to see him.  Usually, Lauren would follow suit and do what Joshua does...but this time she was a bit different.  She went to Brad - hugged his legs a bit -- and then was ready to come back to me.  Every since his return she has declared that she's "momma's baby".... previously she would most often say, "daddy's baby".... and she has been clinging more to me.  She's punishing Brad for leaving her -- and it shows.  She's protecting her little heart from getting close again - so she won't have to miss him so much the next time.  Brad is patiently working his way back into her trust, but it's very interesting to watch.  Oh she loves him so.... and she just wants to jump back into their old routines...but she's cautious.  She's getting there... I mean the girl loves to go outside and with this KY heat right now... Brad is about the only one that will take her on these long walks or to the park to play....and especially now since we've watched her reaction, Brad wants to be the only one to take her to the park until things get back to "normal".  We're getting there -- she is laughing with him, hugging him, and off on his shoulders for their walk.  So we're not concerned, just keeping a watchful eye :) 

When Brad returned he said to me, "she's different....how can that be that in one week she's grown up?... but really there is something so much different about her.... she's not a baby, she's a little girl"...confident and assured...learning and thriving - yep little Lauren grows up these last few weeks, just a bit. 

Some Lauren miscellaneous happenings.....

Lauren is doing well..... still working on English.... her new favorite phrases are:

No-touch

Not bunny (not funny) bye-ah  (especially uses this when he's teasing her)

Come - ear (here)

Stand up

Outside - outside!!

Daddy, daddy, daddy

Wimming, wimming (swimming)

and it goes on and one.... she's so very smart! 

We went back to pullups -- potty training wasn't going so well.  Here is the deal..... her IAC doctor told us that her adopted daughter was 4 1/2 before she was potty trained.  Meanwhile, we were going through this struggle of her doing well at school  (but of course they took her every 30 minutes)...but she would come home and we'd ask if she had to go to the bathroom - she would say "no" then go pee or poop in the living room- of course make a big mess in her underwear, pants, dresses, whatever she had on - and then she would get sad.  She began to act out - and I just noticed her little spirit deflate -- and I didn't even shame her or anything.  Then one night - going to bed she said, "momma's baby" and pointed to herself.  I asked her - do you want to be momma's baby?  she said, "yes" - and I said, "do you want to be in pullups or panties?" and in her Indian voice she said pullups - not very clear - but I could tell that is what she picked.  So it occurred to me - she wants to be a baby still a little while longer -- and when she's ready.... she will probably be potty trained in a matter of days. Until then.... we wait. 

One funny story that just shows the innocence of a child.... I was changing a PARTICULARLY stinky diaper one day and I said, "whew.... Doggies".... and she sat up, looked down at her dirty diaper and said, "puppies???" - it was hilarious.... she thought she had puppies somehow in her diaper!  She's a hoot!  Everyone loves that story - and I want to save in for future laughs and document here.  Oh how I love this sweet innocent child.

Another happening is we went to the Louisville zoo - and played at the splash park. Now this is a sensory girl's heaven for sure!!  She absolutely LOVED it. 

Reading maps waiting for the tram -- what bye-ah does, Lauren does.

Making water come up the pants / errr. swim suit ... crazy kiddos.

where did that water go??

Down the slide!!

Joshua down the silde too ..... in 2013

    Joshua - same slide.... in 2007...same boy....same love for adventure

Sibling love....sortof.... where is daddy for my rescue??

Interactive water play at Louisville zoo splash park...so much fun!!

This picture of Lauren and our friend, Beverly is very special.  Beverly is a family friend that helped fund part of Lauren's adoption expenses.  Even though Lauren has no idea about Bev's generosity..... Lauren took to her instantly...... it's like some bond between them just came about at their first meeting :) 

As Lauren continues to love to mimic Joshua and do all the things he does.... she also has her own personality and interests..... like her piano playing.... "ABC remix"  .... of course the fact that she doesn't have a shirt on is a direct correlation to Joshua.... if he takes his shirt off for night time PJs.... she notices when he comes downstairs....and she decides she wants her shirt off too!  Oh how she LOVES her brother.

Last Lauren story..... at church this week in her small group classroom the teachers told us this story.... of course Brad was beaming.....

Teachers were talking about what to be thankful for to the children.  Mind you - these are 3 and 4 year olds.  When the teacher got to Lauren she said, "Lauren can you think of something you are thankful for?" and Lauren replied, "I love my daddy"..... oh my stars... this girl gets it totally!  She has such love and compassion for others, she's sensitive to others' needs, and she loves deeply.  I just can't wait to see what all God does in her life.

p.s. ...for the record, she still wants momma at night-night :)  ..... and oh how I love that time.... of course it's usually after she's been in Joshua's room with Joshua and daddy listening to the nightly made up story... :) when the lights go out.... she wants momma. 

Head banging is gone... I was made to love you

It occurred to me recently that as we are working through our night time routine with Lauren - as she cuddles on my lap for a bit before going to her big girl bed --- that the head banging is basically GONE!  My heart just sat with this concept for a bit ..... praising God that she is bonding, attaching... and her stress in the transition is easing.... and her little heart is healing..... she's at home with her forever family. 

I can't help but think about the trauma we experience in life..... neglect, abuse, a loss, a tragic event (like these tornados and storms), car accidents, illness..... our losses go on and on.  But God created an amazing human spirit...... if you ever doubt that, look into the innocent eyes of a child, watch them cope with life's challenges with a smile and determination, watch how funny they can be....and how they laugh at the smallest things....watch how they love others unconditionally. My heart is full of joy at the person that Lauren is -- and another idea came to my mind.... I was made to love her!    

In the world of adoption, there are many times when things are challenging and even we as parents may want to head bang :) -- just to find some relief.  But I'm often reminded that this challenge will pass - and our Lord is the great comforter.....beyond all earthly things....and just what if all this was actually planned by the great designer of all??? 

We have a new favorite song - it's Toby Mack's - Made to Love You.  We love this song and she is so great... she loves the "la-la-la,la,la" chorus...and tries to sing the verses.... I know the song is about being made to love the Lord... I totally get that.  But don't you also think we can apply these types of song as parents to our children -- I mean, after all....we are children of the wonderful, amazing living God -- and so many analogies in the Bible refer to parent / child relationships.... shepherds and sheep.... etc.  So I'm taking the liberty of really settling in on the idea that I was made to love Lauren..... now I mean more than just a parent with the ability to love.... what I mean is much deeper than that.  My life experiences ....however dark, and broken, and painful....my losses and my hurts are JUST what I will use one day to explain God's great plan for her.... and how I will minister to her own broken heart.  Not to get too personal here -- but let's just say we all have brokenness beyond all human repair -- the kind of hurts and sadness in our life that ONLY the Lord and His amazing grace can heal. I'm learning each day through a variety of avenues that God LOVES ME! ..... as I am, yet wants me to be different than I am... because He loves me that much....and He wants me to experience a new kind of joy - and a new kind of relationship with him..... so as I embrace this very fact....and as I love myself more and more -- I will be fully equipped through the grace of God to better parent Lauren. My life.... was made to love my little miss.... all before we were ever born??  When I rest in this truth -- and I think also about Brad and how he is with Lauren and the relationship they have .... he too adds unique and very special life experiences to be able to parent Lauren in different ways (like his LOVE for the outdoors, hiking, etc.... Lauren LOVES being outside)... and we both also have things about us that specially gift us to parent Joshua. 

So I leave all you adoption families (some home....others still in the waiting).... with the idea that God LOVES YOU TOO! And..... he just very well may have made YOU to love that special someone you are waiting for (or that special child already home in your arms).  I encourage you to look at your own life experiences and sit in the joy that those life experiences may be the greatest thing to connect you to your child.  Isn't our Lord amazing??



Toby Mack's - Made to Love You   (just imagine Lauren singing..... the nah, nah, nah parts :) ...video to come in the future :)

The dream is fading, now I'm staring at the door
I know its over cause my feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I ain't feelin what I see
It's no mystery
Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did I forget that...

I was made to love you

I was made to find you

I was made just for you

Made to adore you

I was made to love

And be loved by you

You were here before me

You were waiting on me

And you said you'd keep me

Never would you leave me I was made to love

and be loved by you


The dream's alive with my eyes opened wide
Back in the ring you've got me swinging for the grand prize
I feel the haters spittin vapors on my dreams
But I still believe
I'm reachin out, reachin up, reachin over
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah
And daddy I'm on my way

Cause I was made to love...

I was made to love you

I was made to find you

I was made just for you

Made to adore you

I was made to love

And be loved by you

You were here before me

You were waiting on me

And you said you'd keep me



Never would you leave me I was made to love

and be loved by you


I was made to love you

I was made just for you

Made to adore you

I was made to love

And be loved by you

You were here before me

You were waiting on me

And you said you'd keep me

Never would you leave me I was made to love

and be loved by you



(nah, nah, nah, nah - nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

(nah, nah, nah, nah - nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)



Anything I would give up for you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Everything, I'd give it all away (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)



Anything I would give up for you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Everything, I'd give it all away (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)



Anything I would give up for you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Everything, I'd give it, I'd give it all away, Oh yeah



Cause I was made to love you (I was made to love you)

Yeah I was made to love you (I was made to find you)

Cause I was made to love you (I was made to adore you, made just for you) (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

I was made to love you (I was made to adore you, made just for you)

Cause I was made to love you (I was made to adore you, made just for you) (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

I was made to love you (I was made to adore you)



Yeah I'm loved by you

Yeah I'm loved by you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Yeah I' m loved by you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

(nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

(nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)