Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Before I write this post - I'm putting a disclaimer -- this is in NO way meant to offend anyone with fertility issues and challenges. I have a colleague that has been trying to get pregnant now for MANY years - and it breaks my heart - I really can't imagine the pain but can only empathize. With that said, I have to tell all you PAPs out there something that I believe happens to us during the process of adoption... that (having had a birth child of my own.... you know him, our precious Joshua that we GUSH over)... happens when you are pregnant too. This WILL be one of my questions to God in heaven one day...."Did you design us to experience "baby brain" when we are adopting too???" - I know you give us this when we are pregnant -- but how cool is it (sometimes ...ARGH) when it happens during our adoption process......so here it goes...
If you don't know what "baby brain" is.... here is my best definition..... when you are pregnant, during the last trimester -- your brain almost seems to go to mush. You can't remember a thing. When this happened to me - it was wild. Here are a few things I recall happened while pregnant with Joshua:
1.) Don't recall even the closest friends' names
2.) Call my husband by another name ...or forget his name :(
3.) Used my maiden name when introducing myself
4.) Forgetting almost anything I tried to remember
5.) Words / sentences twisted during communication
And then of course there is also the "nesting" - which I believe I wrote another post on previously.... Lord knows I nested while pregnant with Joshua -- and certainly nested here at home getting ready for Lauren. It's a deep urge to get ready - to buy things - to organize things - to "get your house in order" kindof desire.... and it's intense, not just...oh I should pick up the house today. It's a crazy energy - kind of thing, and it happens naturally!
During those last months of pregnancy, it's as if.... all that is normal is somehow put on hold - and you mind is elsewhere - totally focused on this child to come.
Well, last week I had a really rough week at work. I forgot a very important deadline - that just doesn't even seem possible since I had worked on the project the week before. When I say "forgot" -- I really mean forgot! It wasn't in my memory anywhere.....GONE, nada, out of here.... no where to be found kindof gone! I am thankful that my bosses are gracious -- because wow it was devastating to me and a colleague emotionally (we are both hard on ourselves and just can't believe it happened -- she forgot too, but for other reasons).... it's like all that could go wrong did. I'm very thankful we are moving on....but it was a hard week. So driving to work one day after this happened it occurred to me..... I officially have "baby brain".... and I'm incredibly intrigued by this. Did God design us to experience during adoption all those same things as while pregnant? (of course, I realize not ALL things are the same....duh, I haven't went off the deep end here folks)... but something inside does go on while adopting, I promise. I was shocked about the nesting months ago...and now this. You see, I DON'T forget things...EVER! I'm the one reminding everyone around me, "do you have...this... and do you have ...that". This doesn't happen to me. I'm the one that remembers circumstances, numbers, and analyses for work from 10, yes TEN years ago!!! So during this LONG wait, I really think I'm having baby brain.
Recently I forgot to have someone scheduled for hospitality team guest desk at church while we were out of town, I've forgotten emails I agreed to write, I've forgotten projects and things on my to-do list. I could go on and on....I know, and I am doing just that, babbling here to all of you :)..... it's just so weird.
So little miss, my entire focus is on you and getting to you... in these last days and weeks of our wait .... I am longing for you deeper and more intense than ever. It's like a top that starts spinning and begins to go faster and faster... our bags are packed (for the most part) and we are ready to meet you, and hold you...play with you...and love you.
P.S. - so many times I hear from people asking about adoption and wondering....how do you raise a child that is not "your own"....and I just want to say if you struggle with this question and wonder if you should adopt consider this ...... (and I say this with the utmost respect for your journey - and certainly a full appreciation for the full knowledge of what to expect when adopting)....... God has designed a universe that loves and experiences things beyond our imagination - I promise you that you can have a full and totally fulfilling family through adoption full of the SAME kind of love as any other family with birth children or otherwise. It's a Jesus kind of love, one that isn't measured by "the world's standards" -- it's deep, and real and selfless ...and a huge blessing. We don't find our identity based on our lineage, our name, or our blood.... we find our identity in the Lord who loves us for who we are uniquely created to be.... the Lord who loves us and created us TO love. The same Lord, that if I'm right...gave us the gift of "baby brain"....EVEN while adopting one of his children :)
Counting down the days.......if only I knew what day to count to :)
We'll see you soon little miss.